BACK AGAIN

Well, I'm back in psych hospital again - out on supervised leave at present, I went back in on Tuesday after cutting my wrists on monday night. I also used a coke can to cut them on Wednesday night in hospital which didn't go down to well. I was on 24 hour watch (level 1) - now am back to level 2 (checked upon every 30 minutes). Last time I cut my wrists it was a release and from that point on I improved. These 2 times however there has been no release. I want nothing more than to end this charade. As Radiohead say in "true love waits" - I'm not living, I'm just killing time. Even my little nephews can't cheer me up.

You know that life is pointless when you place all you hope in one person somehow magically giving life meaning - and when that person doesn't, then everything becomes so much worse. Again I have been fooled by sweet talk, that she liked me because of who I am, that I was sweet, sensitive, intelligent, thoughtful and believed in things, and I so wanted to believe that, because of all the self-doubt and self-loathing. So much so that I let my common sense abandon me. Now, even phone calls are a major effort on her part, even though she knows I am in hospital. And it all comes flooding back - how could anybody like you for who you are. What is there to like? Why is it that so many woman don't even think about me in "that way" - and it is obvious - because I am horrid and repulsive. And I want so much to hate her, but I can't, because I care about her, so that hate is directed at myself instead. And so my lack of a will to live at least now has a purpose.

Last weekend down in Melbourne I spent most of my time with a friend, a very beautiful woman and more importantly a very beautiful person. I found myself attracted to her, though she may be right in saying that is because of our close proximity during the weekend and my trying to tear away from the other. Then again how could I not be attracted to her in some way given both her inner and physical beauty (even though she denies she is beautiful). The moments where we were sitting watching TV, or even doing nothing, and where I had my arm around her or where she was resting her head on me were so beautiful and tranquil. Sunday morning when she came into my bed and just lay there napping was heaven to me - my arm around her and vice versa, and just watching her breathe, looking at her long black eyelashes, her pale white skin and curly brown hair. I wish that moment could be frozen in time, because this is all I want, this is what I have been so missing and what the weekend reminded me about, that sense of contentment just being with another person can bring - and what seems impossible for me.

DROWNING

Two posts in as many days after so long without posting. But I feel like I'm drowning and having difficulty doing much at the moment, so I'm trying to let things out.

I have severe bi-polar and depression. Both fall into the category of mental illnesses, and both have some similarities, yet both have to be treated in their own way. Dealing with one is bad when they are playing up, but when both are playing up (for want of a better term) life becomes unbearable, as it has been for the last few months. When I was in hospital, all the doctors were amazed that I was able to hold down a full-time job and live independently, as there were many people there with bi-polar less serious than mine on a disability pension. But that is why I'm keeping the full extent of how bad I am at the moment from the doctor and most people - I would be off to hospital for a prolonged period of time and my life as I know it would collapse. Given that fact, death seems preferable.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've become involved with someone whi is engaged. She was the one who pushed things - given my state I was trying to block any such feelings that could make things worse. But she broke that down, and my feelings for her came out. Things seemed good for a while, but then she started to feel guilty, and has distanced herself from me saying she needs to "think things through". And I'm left feeling worse than I was before, because I care about her so much, and she seemed to care about me. Yet now she doesn't, and the only conclusion I can come to is that it is something about me. And it is destroying me, because I care about her and want to be with her, but I know this probably won't happen. And each day, the reason to go gets smaller and smaller.

When life seems pointless, when there is nothing to look forward to, having someone com along wanting you seems to change things. You want someone to like you for who you are, someone who likes what they see, physically and mentally, you want someone to be sexually attracted to you, because when you look in the mirror in the morning you hate what you see and who you are. And when that someone goes away, it just confirms everything you have thought, that there is nothing there for someone to like, and life becomes even more unbearable. In one of lifes little curiosities, I have always had more female friends than male friends (One said the other day that in many ways I am more like a chick than a bloke, and that she meant this in a good way) but when they tell you that you are such a great guy that you deserve someone good, it seems not only hollow, but sickening, even though I know they are coming at it from a good place.

I'm so tired.

MY HOW TIME FLIES!

So, I'm wondering if I have set a world record between blog entries? If not, I'll have to set it with me next one.

So much has happened - very little of it good.

The year started out with some serious depression issues - with medication having little use. Things started spiralling down and little has changed, but back to that later.

One of the high points was doing an interview on Channel 7 just prior to the Easter protests at Villawood - still have it on DVD. At the said protests I was also quoted in almost every online newspaper website in Australia, criticising how unchristian the government's policies were at such a holy time for Christians. I also got arrested at the protests for calling a police officer "fascist scum" - after 4 months, the judge finally dismissed the offensive language charges.

The weeks and months went by as my mental health went from bad to worse. My bi-polar really started giving me major problems. At whcih point a "woman" entered my life who decided she liked the power she had over my life and decided to play with it, regardless of the consequences. Unable to cope I slit my wrist. Thankfully (or unthankfully I often think) I didn't kill myself. I spent 6 weeks in a psychiatric hospital. The news of my sister's second miscarriage in a year didn't help.

Eventually I came out, and slowly started to recover, and for a while there things seemed to pick up. Then two months ago things came crashing down again. The frequent and severe mood swings that are my bi-polar have been getting worse and worse. Of course, things don't help when you get involved with someone who is engaged. She was the one who initiated things (No excuse I know) and who I have really come to care about - only for her now to be starting to distance herself as the guilt sets in, all the while you are hoping that she will break off her engagement to be with you, even though you know she won't. I mean, when you don't even like yourself, and single women won't go out with you for any period of time, why would someone break off their engagement for you?

So, here I am. Life becoming so unbearable again, that death seems like a release - an incident with sleeping tablets last week reflecting this. Sorry for those peple out there who had been regular readers, people who had given me support online for not posting - I just wasn't up to it. I'm sure most, if not all of you have forgotten me by now. I decided to post in case any of you hadn't. Take care.

Oh, in one of those strange coincidences, most of my the people who used to regularly read my blog reside in Melbourne. I'm coming down there on Thursday to spend some time with a friend - we are acting as support mechanisms for one another. However she is working Sunday during the day, so if anyone wants to meet and say hi (you know to see how bad things could be) then or some other time let me know and I will put my email address in your blog