PATHETIC POST

Why is it that seeing somebody who you used to go out with and had strong feelings for, but who decided to end things, stirs up such strong feelings in you, months, or even years down the track.

What feelings?

Anger at how they made you feel.

Hatred for ending things and making you feel so shit.

Sadness because you realise you still do have feelings for that person, but you know they aren’t reciprocated.

But mostly self-loathing. Self-loathing because you know that this person is an intelligent, warm, decent human being. That is why you enjoyed more than anything else looking into their eyes and talking to them, and why their smile made you forget everything else that was going on n the world. Yet this intelligent, warm, decent person did not feel for you what you felt for them, and as such you cannot help but question your self-worth. And the only conclusion you can come to is that there must be something seriously wrong with you, and as a result you loathe yourself.

I watched Krzysztof Kieslowski’s Bez Konca (No End) again on the weekend. What the movie says (at least my interpretation of it) is that one should be willing to compromise one’s political beliefs, but should not compromise on love. That one should not be willing to die for one’s political beliefs, but should be willing to die for love. As a highly political person, I am often sceptical of such a view of things. But there are days, like today, where I think there may be a semblance of truth in what Krzysztof Kieslowski was saying.

Thankfully I have tomorrow afternoon off from work and I am going to see my little nephew. He always has the ability to cheer me up.