THE CHOICES WE MAKE . . . . .AND MUSIC (Part 2)

In response to my last post, the lovely Justine said: "men in suits don't get roots". Now I don’t know about that, but in my own personal experience I know that men with principles get dumped.

The strange thing is that if I was purely after getting "roots" this aspect of life would be tolerable (though not good). That is not to say that I have many women throwing themselves at me, but every once in a while a woman (sometimes who purely on looks alone seem to be way out of my league) seems willing to sleep with me after I have only just met them. Once in particular I was confounded by a woman, who most of the men at the BBQ I was at had been hitting on, after talking with her, asked me if I wanted to come back to her place that night. My response was "I don’t think I can, I have to get up early for work tomorrow" There was a part of me that regretted that (and part of me still does, again purely on looks she was a stunner).

However I believe that sex is an intimate act between two people that should not occur willy-nilly. Now I’m not a Christian, so I don’t believes that you should save yourself for marriage, I just think sex is too intimate to have with someone you just met; for me it is an indication that I have particular feelings for a person. If sex isn’t an intimate act, but something that is just done purely just for fun and not an indication of any feelings for that person, why would you get upset if you partner "cheated" on you with another person? If it isn’t an indication of greater feelings, why shouldn’t your partner be able to sleep with another person?

But that’s off the point. What I have encountered in woman who I have gone out with, and who I have had feelings for but have dumped me, are two main reasons for why they have dumped me. These reasons are based on the choices I have made; my career choices and my political/social activism (Even though I hate the word activism; does anybody have a better name for it?). I tend to get dumped by woman who I care about because I am too serious, or not serious enough.

When I get dumped because I am too serious, it not because they disagree with my career choice, but because I believe in fighting for what I believe. It is also because I don’t believe in going out and getting pissed/stoned/coked off my face etc. as often as possible and "dancing" too shithouse R’n’B, hip-hop, techno, dance and other such crap while pissed/stoned etc. I’m sorry, this does nothing for me and seems a perfect example of Western decadence, which I so hate. I would much rather watch an intelligent movie (which rules out anything shown at Greater Union/Hoyts), go watch soe theatre or see a band play live or engage in an intellectual discussion.

When I get dumped because I am not serious enough, it is not because they disagree with how I choose to spend my leisure time, but because I don’t take my career seriously enough. According to them I should be doing a job that will provide for my future, which would allow me to buy a house and car, instead of doing a job that reeks of "teen rebellion" against society. As I said in my previous post, I made a career choice to do what I believe in, and for better or worse I won’t (or can’t because of my personal convictions) change.

Now you may say that obviously if these woman feel this way, why would you want to go out with them. I have gone out once or twice with a woman who quite frankly is a bimbo, and as such things have quickly ended. However normally I am very choosy with who I go out with when it comes to their politics and personality (if they vote Liberal, I will not go out with them full stop). As such the few women I do go out with are decent, nice people for the most part. So what does this say about me? Besides if they aren’t "right" for me, where are the woman who are, because I’ve yet to come across one.

Which brings me again to my love of Punk/Hardcore/Emo music. Nothing quite expresses the anger and anguish I feel over the failure of my personal relationships quite like Punk/Hardcore/Music. Thus when feeling down about this, I listening to this help me. Below are some of my favourite lyrics that really express my anger and anguish.

Bayside - "Just Enough To Love You"

Push me out from the darkness
To a sky that's coloured blue
Somewhere someone's finding happiness
While I'm still here so hung up on you

Nothing is real
And I want you to know
That I'm not alright
When you tear open my chest
I'll try not to flinch
I won't make promises
I won't make promises
You taught me that.
I'm still losing what's left of my self esteem
And I'm still watching the slow fading of all my daydreams

The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most
So I'll bite my tongue til it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know
The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else
And I've been tricked for so long by you that I spent these last few months in my own hell

A failed apology
A day too late but now I see
That all you really want's to see me dangle neck first from a tree
But what would you need me for
You've got friends galore
And all you've ever been to me is a waste of time and nothing more

Nothing is real (Nothing is real)
and I want you to know (and I want you to know)
That I'm not alright (That I'm not alright)
When you tear (tear open my chest) open my chest
(I'll try not to flinch) I'll try not to flinch
(I won't make promises) I won't make promises
(I won't make promises) You taught me that

I hate myself
For loving you like this
And I hate myself for hating myself
Just enough to love you
Just enough to love you


Anberlin – "Naïve Orleans"

Hearts now severed
Difference of forever
And I am lost there

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around


Silverstein – "Smashed Into Pieces"

Never Again.
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead,
you'll realise what you did to me.

[Chorus]
And if my lungs still let me breathe,
would you be there for me.
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took away.

No, I won't let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline.
So don't save me when you come into the fire.
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.


Hawthorne Heights – "Ohio is for Lovers"

And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.


Senses Fail – "One Eight Seven"

It's so nice sitting very still, in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok.
Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive
Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool.
Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take a seat right next to me
Well I should've known that you were a killer.
But now I'm dead.

A gaping hole, shot through my heart
A lost connection from your poison dart
Shot from your tongue to end my life.
You're blowing at the fire to light your strife.

You'll never know.
The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.

A gaping hole shot...(shot through my heart)
A lost connection from your poison dart.
My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.
I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mould.

You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay
I'll stab you one time.
I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain.
Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?
I wanna kill you, but now I'm insane


Motion City Soundtrack – "When "You’re" Around"

The rumors start to rise
Did truly do the things that "you've" described?
They must hate me, every single one
It just sickens them what I consider fun

But all I could do was close my eyes
And cross my arms and hope to die
Cause "you" don't fucking listen when I'm around
The least "you" could do is take it back;
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks
Cause I can't fucking stand it
When "you're" around