DROWNING

Two posts in as many days after so long without posting. But I feel like I'm drowning and having difficulty doing much at the moment, so I'm trying to let things out.

I have severe bi-polar and depression. Both fall into the category of mental illnesses, and both have some similarities, yet both have to be treated in their own way. Dealing with one is bad when they are playing up, but when both are playing up (for want of a better term) life becomes unbearable, as it has been for the last few months. When I was in hospital, all the doctors were amazed that I was able to hold down a full-time job and live independently, as there were many people there with bi-polar less serious than mine on a disability pension. But that is why I'm keeping the full extent of how bad I am at the moment from the doctor and most people - I would be off to hospital for a prolonged period of time and my life as I know it would collapse. Given that fact, death seems preferable.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've become involved with someone whi is engaged. She was the one who pushed things - given my state I was trying to block any such feelings that could make things worse. But she broke that down, and my feelings for her came out. Things seemed good for a while, but then she started to feel guilty, and has distanced herself from me saying she needs to "think things through". And I'm left feeling worse than I was before, because I care about her so much, and she seemed to care about me. Yet now she doesn't, and the only conclusion I can come to is that it is something about me. And it is destroying me, because I care about her and want to be with her, but I know this probably won't happen. And each day, the reason to go gets smaller and smaller.

When life seems pointless, when there is nothing to look forward to, having someone com along wanting you seems to change things. You want someone to like you for who you are, someone who likes what they see, physically and mentally, you want someone to be sexually attracted to you, because when you look in the mirror in the morning you hate what you see and who you are. And when that someone goes away, it just confirms everything you have thought, that there is nothing there for someone to like, and life becomes even more unbearable. In one of lifes little curiosities, I have always had more female friends than male friends (One said the other day that in many ways I am more like a chick than a bloke, and that she meant this in a good way) but when they tell you that you are such a great guy that you deserve someone good, it seems not only hollow, but sickening, even though I know they are coming at it from a good place.

I'm so tired.