BACK AGAIN
Well, I'm back in psych hospital again - out on supervised leave at present, I went back in on Tuesday after cutting my wrists on monday night. I also used a coke can to cut them on Wednesday night in hospital which didn't go down to well. I was on 24 hour watch (level 1) - now am back to level 2 (checked upon every 30 minutes). Last time I cut my wrists it was a release and from that point on I improved. These 2 times however there has been no release. I want nothing more than to end this charade. As Radiohead say in "true love waits" - I'm not living, I'm just killing time. Even my little nephews can't cheer me up.
You know that life is pointless when you place all you hope in one person somehow magically giving life meaning - and when that person doesn't, then everything becomes so much worse. Again I have been fooled by sweet talk, that she liked me because of who I am, that I was sweet, sensitive, intelligent, thoughtful and believed in things, and I so wanted to believe that, because of all the self-doubt and self-loathing. So much so that I let my common sense abandon me. Now, even phone calls are a major effort on her part, even though she knows I am in hospital. And it all comes flooding back - how could anybody like you for who you are. What is there to like? Why is it that so many woman don't even think about me in "that way" - and it is obvious - because I am horrid and repulsive. And I want so much to hate her, but I can't, because I care about her, so that hate is directed at myself instead. And so my lack of a will to live at least now has a purpose.
Last weekend down in Melbourne I spent most of my time with a friend, a very beautiful woman and more importantly a very beautiful person. I found myself attracted to her, though she may be right in saying that is because of our close proximity during the weekend and my trying to tear away from the other. Then again how could I not be attracted to her in some way given both her inner and physical beauty (even though she denies she is beautiful). The moments where we were sitting watching TV, or even doing nothing, and where I had my arm around her or where she was resting her head on me were so beautiful and tranquil. Sunday morning when she came into my bed and just lay there napping was heaven to me - my arm around her and vice versa, and just watching her breathe, looking at her long black eyelashes, her pale white skin and curly brown hair. I wish that moment could be frozen in time, because this is all I want, this is what I have been so missing and what the weekend reminded me about, that sense of contentment just being with another person can bring - and what seems impossible for me.
posted by Aleks - Anarcho-Syndicalist at 6:48 pm
15 Comments:
AleKs, I'm sorry life continues to be bleak for you. As you keep coming back to the brink of life and death I will speak frankly. You can't keep giving your power away to another being. No woman (or man) can be your reason for living. I'd hate to imagine how this women you have entrusted your love to feels - about you repeatedly attempting to suicide over your feelings for her. No wonder it's a huge effort for her to call you! Any of her actions or inactions may be taken as a trigger and for her to be left feeling partially responsible for your death? What kind of parting 'gift' is that for someone you profess to love.
And now you are starting to look for salvation in another woman. If she can't reciprocate your feelings, is this the path that will follow?
AleKs, I don't know you. But if your blog has been a window into who you are, then you are an ethical and very compassionate person. I do not know what experiences have shaped you, to have such stong feelings of self hatred and unworthiness, but there is nothing to suggest that here.
Just in case you choose to permanently check out of this life, I'd like to say I have really enjoyed your contribution to the blogosphere and wish you peace.
PS: am sure anonymous's little suggestion (above) will be all you need to find a reason to live again! Viva capitalism :)
8:32 am
I know that I must find that will within myself. The problem is that when I was already in a bad way this came along - and if she wasn't willing to take this seriously, why did she initiate things? This is what I have been struggling with, and what has made things so unbearable.
I know that rationally I shouldn't feel this way, yet I have been in a situation now for a while where I see no reason to live - and all this has done is confirm it.
5:27 pm
Oh love. I understand. I have been there too. In my opinion once you've grappled extreme pain, whenever something upsets you, you always fall to rock bottom. Once we know how hard we can hurt, we tend to go from one extreme to the other? If that makes sense.
Its a battle I fight ever day.
There is allot of pain in the world, but there is also love in the ether.
When we're sad, we become somewhat self-indulgent. We choose to hide, and find it easier to be in pain.
Sometimes you have to force yourself to dive back into the world; there is beauty out there too. I promise.
12:31 pm
I would like to say something and I have no idea how you will take this but I tried to leave your blog but found this really needed to come out. It may be at a price. I hope not.
I think it is kind of cowardly to start slitting your wrists. It is kind of laughable to be honest. until you succeed then it will just have been stupid.
What you seem to be saying is that, you have quite a few friends who care about you, who also happen to be female. You like cuddling up to them because it makes you feel 'tranquil' but then you have this utterly bizarre urge to sleep with them.(read 'possess')
hmmm (women vrs men, it's an ancient issue)
but then if they dont sleep with you, then you get upset, and if they do you also get upset. both of which consequences lead to you slitting your wrists, failing to commit suicide because you are slitting them the wrong way, but you probably know this. You could try slitting them length ways then you might have more success.
My question is can you admit to being a bit of a manipulative person after all. You are far from being a victim to take things that far. But you probably dont see it like that. Boohoo , call a spade a spade I say.
I suspect you will instead plead paranoid delusions and hate me for possibly pulling the curtain back on certain aspects of your charade. Which it is.
Life is not at fault, we are. We make the charade. I have no sympathy for people who fail to commit suicide but do it to force other people into obeying their own will.
In their heart of hearts they know it is just a cry for help and the truth is it is an ugly attempt to force others to acquiesce. Killing yourself to hurt others is actually really quite easy. Making yourself a good person who is of value to others without condition, is not so easy.
Which challenge are you up for Aleks?
You dont need sympathy you need a kick up the butt.
You are extremely selfish and have no interest in what other people feel except for yourself. That is the spittingly ugly truth here you are best facing if you are to turn it around.
Half honest though, thanks for sharing it with the world.
Good luck, and I mean that most sincerely.
Oh and dont try and stalk me I am a psycho too :)
Mark
8:10 am
on a practical note;
have you considered your diet?
nutrition, or lack of proper vitamins and minerals is one of the major factors effecting depression and mental chemical imbalances.
if you want to get a better mood on your shoulders, you could start by looking into it. Try any good nutritionist and begin by making what you eat something positive and not fast food, or even cooked food, that basically robs the brain of nutrients. And a brain without nutrients is a little confused brain.
If you do, you might be surprised to find you have the occasional good day and things build up from there.
oh, and did I say buck up? I cant remember.
What the hell is an Anarcho Syndicalist anyway, and if it is likely to become extinct quite soon can I maybe have a photo or something to prove I met one?
If I was going to kill myself I would definitely do a heroin and cocaine cocktail while fucking a hot prostitute, maybe a russian with a big ass. Sounds like the absolute tits of a time. Jesus Aleks, die in pleasure not pain if you must die at all.
life is choices.
thats the trouble!
8:19 am
Was there ever a time you were happy?
I have gone back through a few of your posts and I am wondering.
Seems to me there is some kind of satisfaction in you being able to label yourself bi-polar and depressive. which kind of turns it into a coat of arms you wear and talk about, almost by way of introduction. like an excuse. you remind me of that donkey 'Eeyhore' or whatever his name was out of Winnie the Pooh.
You are right though, life is a bitch.
but somehow we have to make it sweet
the trouble is there are always going to be some who just can't do it.
I pity the nurses really. Not sure about you at all.
anyway thats me spent. I am away to fuck someone else off.
ciao
8:33 am
Mark, depending on how I feel at the time I will admit to being almost anything, including manipulative.
A few things though - I have never said women are the source of all my trouble. In both cases recently my problems were there beforehand, these just made things worse when THEY initiated things, had some fun, then tried to move on, knowing the state I was in. Yes I should have tried to use some more common sense, but at the times that was lacking.
I also don;t want my female friends to sleep with me. One of the major side affects of most anti-depresants is it destroys your ability to perform in bed. As I said, my friend was right in saying it my feelings for her weren't genuine. Besides I would never want to risk losing her friendship.
And yes, like most people I can be selfish - yet even both women admitt that part of the reason they were attracted to me was because of how giving I can be. I do many hours of volunteer work a month, but yes i can be selfish - so can you.
As for diet, I am a vegetarian, i don't smoke, drink alcohol or coffee.
6:50 pm
it's not me slitting my wrists and telling everyone about it Aleks. And from an outsiders perspective, and I have a good sense of smell for the truth behind people's false fronts, there is clearly a connection between what you project onto women and your self destructive behaviour. The two are married if you like. You blame them because it would short circuit your mind to consider for one second that this might all be your own fault and doing.
Freud might have said your mamma is involved in this someplace, along with feelings of inadequacy and being unloved as a child. Personally I just think you are a misguided manipulative kid with too much time on your hands and an easy life.
get a hobby
and stop blaming women, it is your fault and no one elses.
Everyone seems to know this except you.
most vegetarians have unbalanced diets.
check the vitamins, minerals, zinc, stuff like that.
you really need a nutritionist to explain it and I am not one. I am not saying it is the be all and end all of mental depression but after years of drug abuse I had no idea how imbalanced my mind was in a chemical way until I started to look into those weird little minerals and things that seem so meaningless yet are actually incredibly vital to our proper functioning.
a very small amount of heavy metals in your brain can do all sorts of nasty things to your psyche. the come from treated water, tins, processed vegetarian food, all sorts of things. and it can give you the brain spasms.
the point I was making was that you have a problem, you seem to recognise it, you seem to almost want to do something about it, but it is clear nothing has helped so far.
I find that if you can put a few starting blocks in place for someone that are solid and can be trusted and work then the healthy way of life builds up by itself. body, mind, spirit. they are all connected and relevant.
Feel free to ask me anything, I would be glad to help but dont expect me to cater to your bullshit, because you need to redirect your attention if you dont want to become an isolated person with no friends, just people scared to let you in because of the things you do when they do.
you'll end up lonely mate and I think you have too much of a soul to really want that.
I am guessing of course, but then I got a good nose for these things like I said.
This isnt my first barbeque Aleks. You are nothing new to me.
have good day.
M
8:20 pm
Lonliness is terrible.
Let yourself be comforted, move on and use your considerable mental prowess to do the things you need to do to become something more than the embodiment of solitude.
You're so clever. But don't clever yourself out of the kind of life you could have.
All advice aside, you would be missed. That means something.
kisses
1:16 am
Are you ok love?
I understand. xxxx
9:06 pm
Hi Aleks.
I'm so sorry to hear you're back in psych hospital.
You have a lot to offer the world- you're smart, you have a strong political conscience, you care about the world around you, you don't mind when certain blogger-friends are late to meet-ups... :)
I agree with AOF. You have to put yourself first at the moment and not let this woman get to you.
You are neither horrid nor repulsive. Stay with us. We're here whenever you want to talk or get things off your chest.
Susanne
xox
11:57 pm
Hi Aleks! I hadnt checked my blog in ages and there was a comment from you, which was so nice.
I liked your tickety boom joke
:-) I think the funniest thing was that you actually wrote tickety boom. That could take off!
So youve been feeling pretty bad though (Sorry, my apostrophe isnt working). It really sucks with relationship stuff, when it gets shitty. It makes you feel rotten and worhtless. (My subtext = it does not mean you are!) I dont know what to say about the woman stuff, except you know, hang in there. Illegitimi non carborundum.
That is so punk of you to call an occifer of the law "!fascist scum!". But absolutely what anyone who has even glanced at your blog would expect. Nice work!
Cant log in, have forgotten my username and password :-)
me = airheadette
10:00 pm
oh yeah, and my name = justine
:-)
10:00 pm
and I agree with Pony and Suzanne
10:06 pm
Mark Berry you are a genius
Aleksei, pills will poison your mind.
you need to learn strategies on how to cope
via strength and humour, and how to not give a fuck
and to know that your actions also have an effect on other people.
who said that when he feels suicidal he tears up a photo of himself instead?
good luck, and eat lots of tryptophan-rich foods
http://www.nutritiondata.com/foods-000079000000000000000.html
3:07 pm
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