THE CHOICES WE MAKE . . . . .AND MUSIC (Part 2)

In response to my last post, the lovely Justine said: "men in suits don't get roots". Now I don’t know about that, but in my own personal experience I know that men with principles get dumped.

The strange thing is that if I was purely after getting "roots" this aspect of life would be tolerable (though not good). That is not to say that I have many women throwing themselves at me, but every once in a while a woman (sometimes who purely on looks alone seem to be way out of my league) seems willing to sleep with me after I have only just met them. Once in particular I was confounded by a woman, who most of the men at the BBQ I was at had been hitting on, after talking with her, asked me if I wanted to come back to her place that night. My response was "I don’t think I can, I have to get up early for work tomorrow" There was a part of me that regretted that (and part of me still does, again purely on looks she was a stunner).

However I believe that sex is an intimate act between two people that should not occur willy-nilly. Now I’m not a Christian, so I don’t believes that you should save yourself for marriage, I just think sex is too intimate to have with someone you just met; for me it is an indication that I have particular feelings for a person. If sex isn’t an intimate act, but something that is just done purely just for fun and not an indication of any feelings for that person, why would you get upset if you partner "cheated" on you with another person? If it isn’t an indication of greater feelings, why shouldn’t your partner be able to sleep with another person?

But that’s off the point. What I have encountered in woman who I have gone out with, and who I have had feelings for but have dumped me, are two main reasons for why they have dumped me. These reasons are based on the choices I have made; my career choices and my political/social activism (Even though I hate the word activism; does anybody have a better name for it?). I tend to get dumped by woman who I care about because I am too serious, or not serious enough.

When I get dumped because I am too serious, it not because they disagree with my career choice, but because I believe in fighting for what I believe. It is also because I don’t believe in going out and getting pissed/stoned/coked off my face etc. as often as possible and "dancing" too shithouse R’n’B, hip-hop, techno, dance and other such crap while pissed/stoned etc. I’m sorry, this does nothing for me and seems a perfect example of Western decadence, which I so hate. I would much rather watch an intelligent movie (which rules out anything shown at Greater Union/Hoyts), go watch soe theatre or see a band play live or engage in an intellectual discussion.

When I get dumped because I am not serious enough, it is not because they disagree with how I choose to spend my leisure time, but because I don’t take my career seriously enough. According to them I should be doing a job that will provide for my future, which would allow me to buy a house and car, instead of doing a job that reeks of "teen rebellion" against society. As I said in my previous post, I made a career choice to do what I believe in, and for better or worse I won’t (or can’t because of my personal convictions) change.

Now you may say that obviously if these woman feel this way, why would you want to go out with them. I have gone out once or twice with a woman who quite frankly is a bimbo, and as such things have quickly ended. However normally I am very choosy with who I go out with when it comes to their politics and personality (if they vote Liberal, I will not go out with them full stop). As such the few women I do go out with are decent, nice people for the most part. So what does this say about me? Besides if they aren’t "right" for me, where are the woman who are, because I’ve yet to come across one.

Which brings me again to my love of Punk/Hardcore/Emo music. Nothing quite expresses the anger and anguish I feel over the failure of my personal relationships quite like Punk/Hardcore/Music. Thus when feeling down about this, I listening to this help me. Below are some of my favourite lyrics that really express my anger and anguish.

Bayside - "Just Enough To Love You"

Push me out from the darkness
To a sky that's coloured blue
Somewhere someone's finding happiness
While I'm still here so hung up on you

Nothing is real
And I want you to know
That I'm not alright
When you tear open my chest
I'll try not to flinch
I won't make promises
I won't make promises
You taught me that.
I'm still losing what's left of my self esteem
And I'm still watching the slow fading of all my daydreams

The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most
So I'll bite my tongue til it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know
The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else
And I've been tricked for so long by you that I spent these last few months in my own hell

A failed apology
A day too late but now I see
That all you really want's to see me dangle neck first from a tree
But what would you need me for
You've got friends galore
And all you've ever been to me is a waste of time and nothing more

Nothing is real (Nothing is real)
and I want you to know (and I want you to know)
That I'm not alright (That I'm not alright)
When you tear (tear open my chest) open my chest
(I'll try not to flinch) I'll try not to flinch
(I won't make promises) I won't make promises
(I won't make promises) You taught me that

I hate myself
For loving you like this
And I hate myself for hating myself
Just enough to love you
Just enough to love you


Anberlin – "Naïve Orleans"

Hearts now severed
Difference of forever
And I am lost there

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around


Silverstein – "Smashed Into Pieces"

Never Again.
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead,
you'll realise what you did to me.

[Chorus]
And if my lungs still let me breathe,
would you be there for me.
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took away.

No, I won't let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline.
So don't save me when you come into the fire.
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.


Hawthorne Heights – "Ohio is for Lovers"

And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.


Senses Fail – "One Eight Seven"

It's so nice sitting very still, in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok.
Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive
Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool.
Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take a seat right next to me
Well I should've known that you were a killer.
But now I'm dead.

A gaping hole, shot through my heart
A lost connection from your poison dart
Shot from your tongue to end my life.
You're blowing at the fire to light your strife.

You'll never know.
The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.

A gaping hole shot...(shot through my heart)
A lost connection from your poison dart.
My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.
I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mould.

You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay
I'll stab you one time.
I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain.
Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?
I wanna kill you, but now I'm insane


Motion City Soundtrack – "When "You’re" Around"

The rumors start to rise
Did truly do the things that "you've" described?
They must hate me, every single one
It just sickens them what I consider fun

But all I could do was close my eyes
And cross my arms and hope to die
Cause "you" don't fucking listen when I'm around
The least "you" could do is take it back;
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks
Cause I can't fucking stand it
When "you're" around

THE CHOICES WE MAKE . . . . .AND MUSIC

A few years ago now (it seems like an eternity) I had a decision to make. I would be graduating from Uni with a Law degree (and an Arts degree) and had been asked to apply for a job with a medium sized law firm and been offered a job by a local solicitor to work with him. I could also have applied for one of the big law firms. Sure, in all three cases the jobs would be boring, but in a few years I could be raking in the money.

There was just one problem. My conscience. Such work seemed frivolous, or even downright evil (corporate law? Conveyancing? Ugh). Thus I had a decision to make. Take a job that would pay me potentially great money, but that I knew wasn’t right? Or choose to do something else more in line with my beliefs even though it wouldn’t likely pay well?

I chose the second option; I went to work in the Union movement, and while the pay isn’t horrible, it isn’t great either; I try to avoid people I went to uni with because I don’t want to hear about how much they earn. And for the most part I don’t have regrets about my decision; I enjoy my work and find it rewarding.

However there are times when things get to me and I wonder about my decision; I look at the world and see how little difference I am making and think "Why should I give a shit when nobody else does? Maybe I should see if I can start a career in corporate law and earn shitloads of money; I mean I have had more than a few lawyers tell me I am smart enough to do it." As a big movie buff, I see wide-screen Plasma Televisions and wish I could buy one, but it isn’t going to happen on my salary. Or, in an extremely rare moment for me, I saw a multi-coloured blazer the other day that looked great (because it, and anybody wearing I,t would stand out as being different, and not a sheep), but it cost $380 and I can’t afford a $380 blazer. This causes me even more consternation, and even a sense of regret.

Melbourne punk Band Blueline Medic (watch them live if you get the chance, so much energy) sum things up nicely in their song "Making the Nouvea Riche" :

You say I have to get a real life
But I'm not sure how that in making someone or other rich
Is any more real than making
A niche for yourself
I’m without a zack, a truth, a coin, a kopeck,
Or an elusive brass razoo
But my dear rationalist
Don't dream I couldn't care
I too grow quickly bored
Of the clothes I wear
So maybe I should go and get a real life
Real life scrapping a deposit together

I made my choice, full well knowing what it would entail. I could change my decision now, but it would destroy who I am and the things about me that I like.

Inevitably the feelings of regret pass, mainly with the help of Punk/Hardcore/Emo music, often while doing some weights to get all the aggression out of me.

The politics and emotion punk, and it’s off-shoots Hardcore and Emo, often reflect my politics, and my feelings of anger and despair. It’s also good to know that there are others out there that feel the same as me. That is why these are my favourite types of music, music that, surprisingly to most people, helps me relax.

Thus, even though it will make this post ridiculously long, I am going to include some my favourite political punk/emo/hardcore lyrics (not all the song, just my favourite parts). I recommend you listen to these songs.


PROPAGANDHI - "The Only Good Fascist Is A Very Dead Fascist"

Swastikas and Klan-robes. Sexist, racist, homophobes.
Aryan-Nations and Hammerskins: you can wear my nuts on your nazi chins!
God, I love a man in uniform!
(But, uh, before we get too intimate here, big fella):
what exactly are the great historical accomplishments of "your" race that make you proud to be white?
Capitalism? Slavery? Genocide? Sitcoms? Guns? War? Pollution? Addiction? NAFTA? Thigh-Master?
This is your fucking white-history, my "friend".
So why don't we start making a history worth being proud of and start fighting the real fucking enemy:
the white male capitalist supremacist.


RISE AGAINST – "Blood Red, White and Blue"

would God bless a murder of the innocents?
would God bless a war based on pride?
would God bless a money-hungry government? no

would God bless our ineffective court system?
God bless the sweatshops we run.
would God bless America?
God bless America


ALKALINE TRIO – "We’ve had enough"

In the darkness where the angels cry
Give us water, give us back our eyes
Our bed's this concrete floor, and it's all we have left to live for
A day we'll never face
We're only second-handed, sick, and lonely
Fighting back the tears and every urge to Van Gogh both our ears….

That said, we've had enough
Please turn that fucking radio off
Ain't nothing on the air waving the despair we feel
That said, we've had enough
Put "Walk Among Us" on and turn it up
Ain't nothing on the air waving the hatred we feel


BAD RELIGION – "Sorrow"
father, can you hear me?
How have i let you down?
I curse the day that i was born,
And all the sorrow in the world...
Let me take you to the herding ground,
Where all good men are trampled down,
Just to settle a bet that could not be won,
Between a prideful father and his son.
Well you guard me now for i can't see,
A reason for this suffering and this long misery.


ANTI-FLAG – "Turncoat"

States lies dressed up as evening news
We're tired of lies we want the truth
Broadcast by corpses courting you
We're tired of lies we want the truth
Most people they will never know
We're tired of lies we want the truth
With your or against you?

Then I am against you because you're a...
TURNCOAT! KILLER! LIAR! THIEF!
Criminal with protection of the law
TURNCOAT! KILLER! LIAR! THIEF!

Criminal with protection of the law
In your corner
Makes me wanna
Douse myself in gasoline!
Civil servants fall in line for you
Too brainwashed to see the truth
You use anyone you can!


NOFX – "Franco Un-American"

I never looked around, never second-guessed
Then I read some Howard Zinn now I'm always depressed
And now I can't sleep from years of apathy
All because I read a little Noam Chomsky

I'm eating vegetation, 'cause of Fast Food Nation
I'm wearing uncomfortable shoes 'cause of globalization
I'm watching Michael Moore expose the awful truth
I'm listening to Public Enemy and Reagan Youth

I see no world peace 'cause of zealous armed forces
I eat no breath-mints 'cause they're from de-hoofed horses

HUMAN CONDUCT AND SOCIETY

People, I will warn you that this post isn’t a particularly happy one (are any of my posts?); in fact it is quite pessimistic and fatalistic (again). Sorry, but that is my feelings about the world at present.

Currently I am re-reading "This was for the Gas, Ladies and Gentlemen" by Tadeusz Borowski.

Taduesz was a Polish writer who was sent to Auschwitz-Birkenau during World War 2. He was lucky in that three weeks prior to his arrival it was decided that, with a few special exceptions, only Jews were to be gassed to death (Auschwitz was originally built by the Germans as a concentration camp for Poles, and the first people to be gassed to death there were Soviet prisoners of war and Poles). As a Polish "Aryan" he was no longer certain to be gassed to death, though he was liable to be killed in a number of other ways, including execution, being beaten to death, through starvation or disease, or just being killed for the fun of it.

However he was lucky enough to survive (as was his girlfriend who was also in Auschwitz) and at the end of the war found himself in the allied occupied part of Germany, then Paris. However instead of staying in the West, he decided to go back to Communist Poland, because he found the West too greedy, selfish and materialistic. Upon returning to Poland he threw himself in with the Communist authorities in trying to rebuild a new Poland. However he soon realised the hypocrisy of Poland’s Communist leaders, and realising that human nature is the same the world over, regardless of the political system, he killed himself in 1951; he gassed himself to death.

"This way for the Gas, Ladies and Gentlemen" is a series of semi-autobiographical stories 'written' by one of the inmates of Auschwitz-Birkenau recounting his experiences. What separates his work from traditional holocaust/WW2 literature is that in his work there are no victims and persecutors, innocent and guilty; everybody is guilty. Those who survived did so at the expense of others; sometimes at the expense of their family and friends. Those that were gassed were gassed because they didn’t resist, they went without putting up a struggle in the hope that salvation would come at the last moment. As such there was nothing noble about those that survived or died, or about the human race generally. In the book he says:

"We said that there is no crime that a man will not commit in order to save himself. And having saved himself, he will commit crimes for increasingly trivial reasons; he will commit them first out of duty, then out of habit and finally – for pleasure.

We told them with much relish all about our difficult, patient, concentration-camp existence which had taught us that the whole world is really like the concentration camp; the weak work for the strong, and if they have no strength or the will to work – then let them steal, or let them die.

The world is ruled by neither justice nor morality; crime is not punished nor virtue rewarded, one is forgotten as quickly as the other. The world is ruled by power and power is obtained with money. To work is senseless, because money cannot be obtained through work but through exploitation of others. And if we cannot exploit as much as we wish, at least let as work as little as we can. Moral duty? We believe neither in the morality of man, nor in the morality of systems. In German cities the store windows are filled with books and religious objects, but the smoke from the crematoria still hover above the forests…

…Responsibility for the world? But can a man living in a world such as our be responsible even for himself? It is not our fault that the world is bad, and we do not want to die changing it. We want to live – that is all."

Which brings us to another thing that separated him from other Holocaust writers. For most Holocaust writers, and people in general, the Holocaust and WW2 were an aberration in human history, perpetrated by a group of people who were unique in history because of how evil they were. For Tadeusz this was nonsense; all human being are capable of such evil, and in fact such evil has been perpetrated throughout history; what WW2 did was take this evil to it’s next logical step; in an industrialised society it used industrial machinery and techniques to kill people. He says:

"We are laying the foundation for some new, monstrous civilisation. Only now do I realise what price was paid for building ancient civilisations. The Egyptian pyramids, the temples and Greek Statutes – what a hideous crime they were! How much blood must have poured on to the Roman roads, the bulwarks, and the city walls. Antiquity – tremendous concentration camp where the slave was branded on the forehead by his master, and crucified for trying to escape! Antiquity – the conspiracy of free men against slaves!

You know how much I used to like Plato. Today I realise he lied. For the things of this world are not a reflection of the ideal, but a product of human sweat, blood and hard labour. It is we who built the pyramids, hewed the marble for the temples and the rocks for the imperial roads, we who pulled the oars in the galleys and dragged wooden ploughs, while they wrote dialogues and dramas, rationalised their intrigues by appeals in the name of the Fatherland, made wars over boundaries and democracies. We were filthy and died real deaths. They were ‘aesthetic’ and carried on subtle debates.

There can be no beauty if it is paid for by human injustice, nor truth that passes over injustice in silence, nor moral virtue that condones it.

What does ancient history say about us? It knows the crafty slave from Terence and Plautus, it knows the people’s tribunes, the brothers Gracchi and the name of one slave – Spartacus.

They are the ones who have made history, yet the murderer – Scipio – the lawmakers – Cicero or Demosthenes – are the men remembered today. We rave over the extermination of the Etruscans, the destruction of Carthage, over treason, deceit, plunder. Roman law! Yes, today too there is law.

If the Germans win the war, what will the world know about us? They will erect huge buildings, highways, factories, soaring monuments. Our hands will be placed under every brick, and our backs will carry the steel rails and slabs of concrete. They will kill off our families, our sick, our aged. They will murder our children.

And we shall be forgotten, drowned out by the voices of the poets, the jurists, the philosophers, the priests. They will produce their own beauty, virtue and truth. They will produce religion."

However one does not have to go back to ancient history to see 'Great Civilisations' built on suffering and death.

The British Empire came about through the invasion of other people’s lands and the slaughter of the native inhabitants, and was fuelled by an industrial revolution built on the backs and deaths of hundreds of thousands of working men, women and children.

The USA, the world’s only remaining superpower, was built on the slaughter of the indigenous inhabitants of North America and fuelled by the enslavement and murder of Africans.

Even Australia was built on the invasion of Aboriginal land and slaughter of the Aboriginal people and was fuelled by forced deportation of Pacific Islanders to Australia and the "convicts" deported to Australia for such crimes as stealing bread to feed the their families.

But the British Empire, the USA and Australia are looked upon favourably, just like Ancient Rome, Greece and Egypt, as opposed to Nazi Germany which is looked down upon.

The question is, will societies look upon Nazi Germany one day favourably, like Ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt or the USA, the British Empire, and Australia are looked upon favourably? Will society one day marvel at the industrial and technological advancements of Nazi Germany just as the industrial and technological advancements of the USA and Britain are marvelled at? Will one day groups of tourists visit the concentration camp at Auschwitz and admire it, in the same way tourists visit the Egyptian pyramids and admire it?

TIME

No I’m not dead (unfortunately in some ways) I just haven’t posted for a while. Thank you those of you that stopped by and inquired as to how I was going and what I was doing.

I haven’t been feeling the best both mentally and physically recently. On top of that something I helped organise recently drained me emotionally. All of which made me feel, despite the fact that I got to speak to the sexiest woman alive the other day (Kerry Nettle), like “The world is fucked and I hate the human race”. You know, my usual thing. However I decided to spare you from listening to this. Well until now.

A few days ago I almost got hit by a van. You know, one of those things were the van screeches to a halt a few centimetres away from you (the driver wasn’t looking where he was going). It started me thinking, if the van would have hit and killed me what would have happened? Would the world have been worse off without me, or would it have been better off without me?

Now if I died, obviously (well I hope) my family and friends would have been upset. But would my death have made the world a worse place to live? And thinking about it, I couldn’t see how my death would make the world worse.

However given the fact that I live in a first world country and consume way too much crap I don’t need, which adds to the scarcity of the world’s resources and increases pollution, the reality is that the world in some small way would have been better off if I had died, which quite frankly isn’t a great thing to realise.

Some people may say “cheer up, things could be worse” which always pisses me off. How is thinking things could be worse meant to cheer me up? Firstly it makes me feel guilty about the privileged position I have as someone in the developed world, and secondly it makes me feel terrible thinking that things may end up getting worse for me.

Well enough of my depressing ranting.

In Polish poetry, with it’s Slavic melancholy, I find a reflection of my own feelings, as well as a measure of comfort. The three poems below are examples.

DEDICATION

You whom I could not save
Listen to me.
Try to understand this simple speech as I would be ashamed of another
I swear, there is no wizadry of words.
I speak to you with silence like a cloud or a tree

What strengthened me, for you was lethal.
You mixed up farewell to an epoch with the beginning of a new one,
Inspiration of hatred with lyrical beauty,
Blind force with accomplished shape.

Here is the valley of shallow Polish rivers. And an immense bridge
Going into white fog. Here is a broken city,
And the wind throws scream of gulls on your grave
When I am talking with you.

What is poetry which does not save
Nations or people?
A connivance with official lies,
A song of drunkards whose throats will be cut in a moment,
Readings for sophomore girls.
That I wanted good poetry without knowing it,
That I discovered, late, its salutary aim,
In this ad only this I find salvation.

They used to poor on graves millet or poppy seeds
To feed the dead who would come disguised as birds.
I put this book here for you, who once lived
So that you should visit us no more.

By Czeslaw Milosz


FREEDOM

What is freedom? Ask the philosophers.
I, too, wonder; at one time I maintain
That it means guaranteed liberty
In the face of the power of the state, or else
I emphasise that it is the strength of convictions,
The sovereignty of spirit
And the loyalty to one’s own conviction.
But even when I am at a loss to define
The essence of freedom
I know full well the meaning
Of captivity.

By Adam Zagajewski


MY LONELINESS

My loneliness finished Valedictorians School.
It’s punctual and hardworking.
It’s been given orders and awards.

My loneliness
Is peopled.
Several Thousand readers walk across it.
It’s been written down.
Crossed out.

It’s tired of ruling
Like Frederick the Great.

It’s starting to have it’s disciples.
Its timid slaves.

My loneliness is public.
It lies at the bottom of the cage
With its silent flight feathers
Plucked out.

By Ewa Lipska