THE SPECTRE OF DEATH

My Grandmother passed away on Saturday night. She is the last of our family members who lived through and suffered that most damning indictment of humanity, World War 2. I wish I could say that her death was peaceful and serene, but it wasn't. I'm an athiest,for me it is impossible to see god when you see someone you love fade away in front of you with so little dignity. I similarly can't see god in the deaths of babies - for me there is no no stronger person than a woman who has had a child grow inside her for 9 months, only to lose them soon after birth. I cannot think of anything more painful.

My grandmother's death has opened up that abyss for me. I had started to regain control of myself, but that is now shot to pieces, and I'm back at the point where I can't help breaking down and crying, even in public. I think about what my grandparents went through, and I feel so pathetic because I can't seem to cope with a life that most people in the world would cherish. I wish I could just go to sleep and either never wake up, or wake up without this cowardice and stupidity.